Want a happy, healthy relationship?
Then you can’t do THIS.
The most important and heartfelt lessons we often learn in life happen the hard way: from our own mistakes and failings. This lesson is one of those for me.
In past relationships (and even in the early years of my current one), I tried to do this.
It NEVER worked.
Most relationships fail because of contempt. Partners develop contempt for one another. The root cause is often unmet expectations, broken trust, and unresolved feelings of hurt or anger from past disappointments.
Even in the most loving of relationships, partners let each other down at times. I know how hard it can be to move on from the hurt and disappointment of a broken commitment or an unkept promise.
But, if you want to move FORWARD with your partner and replace your frustrating feelings with happy ones, you MUST let go of the past and allow something NEW to grow in its place. If you hang onto past hurts indefinitely, and repeatedly bring them up anytime you get upset, you WILL torch your relationship.
Instead, ask yourself a question: “Is what I’m about to say or do going to be HELPFUL to the relationship? Or, HURTFUL?”. If the answer is the latter (and you actually WANT the relationship to succeed), then DON’T say or do it.
Simple as that.
I’m not advising you ignore or avoid your feelings. I’m not saying you should stuff them down or pretend they don’t exist. This will only cause them to fester internally. This breeds resentment and hostility. Bottling them up often causes an later (and often bigger) explosion of them. It’s important to say, in the aftermath of a letdown, “I feel hurt by what’s happened here. Here’s why. Can we talk about what I’d like to say happen next time?”.
But once you’ve done that, and especially if you see your partner trying to make a change, you’ve got to let the past GO. Keeping a laundry list of all your partner’s past failings is a surefire way to fail the relationship.
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