Have you ever gotten feedback you thought was totally off-base and inaccurate? You might’ve thought: “What on earth? I don’t do that! That doesn’t sound anything like me!!”.

Or perhaps the feedback was vague and confusing. You might’ve thought: “Wow. I have absolutely NO idea what to do with that. I don’t even know what that MEANS”.

Situations like this happen ALL THE TIME. There are some key reasons why. In book my upcoming book, V.I.R.T.U.E.S, I talk about this. Often, our coaching is not SPECIFIC enough. One of the things I share in Chapter 2 of my book is that “quotes equal notes”. It was a concept I learned 15 years ago at a commercial bank, and it changed EVERYTHING for me.

It’s so important that when we’re giving feedback we detail exactly what we HEARD and what we SAW. We can actually transcribe portions of the conversation or key sentences that were said. We record what we’re observing and witnessing too (body language, expressions, etc). When we simply share our OBSERVATIONS- rather than our JUDGMENTS of those observations- we’re able to then have a REAL conversation about what’s happening and what we’d like to see differently.

The book, Thanks for the Feedback, has covered this concept so well. The book describes how quickly our subconscious minds will categorize things for us, and so, instead of sharing the specific facts of what we heard and saw- we’ll share our JUDGMENTS of those things. We might tell someone that they’re “too aggressive” or “not proactive enough” or “too cold and unloving”.

To us- those words mean something. To the receiver- they may mean nothing- or something else entirely.

But, here’s the rub with feedback: it’s not about YOU as the GIVER. It’s about the person RECEIVING the feedback, and what THEY are hearing. Anytime we use the word “TOO…” we are already on the slippery slope of providing feedback that may not be useful. We must be ever so careful to NOT filter our observations through our own paradigms and lenses that we’ve developed over our lives and instead stick to the facts- so THEN, a real dialogue between giver and receiver can ensue.

Thanks for the Feedback is an excellent read, and I was so happy to see these concepts- since, I too, wrote about them over a YEAR ago when I did my first draft of V.I.R.T.U.E.S. Right now, we’re heading into PA season- something that some employees (and managers!) fear.

These concepts are so relevant and timely. For any of you who are giving feedback on a daily basis- whether it be to your employee, your boss, your spouse, or your best friend- I hope you find these lessons valuable. For decades, I’ve watched people give and receive feedback- and I can assure you this simple shift- makes ALL the difference. #feeedback #coaching #leadership #transformation #transformationtuesday #wellnesswednesday #coach #givingfeedback #performancereview #PA #performance evaluation #leader #thanksforthefeedback #feedbackloop #success #mindset #attitude #dialogue #talk