Amy, won’t can’t the narcissist ever APOLOGIZE? Why is it so HARD for them to just say they’re sorry?”

A client asked me this a few days ago. Here’s what I said:

1) Narcissists are often focused on perfectionism. While many narcissists wouldn’t want you to know it, most are deeply insecure. For them, much of their identity is wrapped up in feeling competent, intelligent, capable, and useful. Many of them like being seen as perfect and admitting they made a mistake feels like a major threat.

2) Narcissists engage in binary thinking. Most see the world in a binary way. Right or wrong; good or bad. Black or white- not in shades of gray.

For many narcissists, life is a zero-sum game. If ONE person is right, that MUST mean the other is wrong. Narcissists don’t like admitting any kind of wrongdoing because they’d rather believe that their way is the ONLY way. Since it’s not possible for you BOTH to be “wrong” or BOTH to have opportunities for growth, the narcissist concludes that if you’re at fault, THEY must NOT be.

Because of their fragile sense of self, they’d much rather walk away from any conflict or difference of opinion with you believing that YOU were the problem. If they can get YOU to apologize or own the situation, then THEY don’t HAVE to.

3) Narcissists don’t like to work on themselves. Humbly admitting, with self-awareness, that we’ve erred doesn’t always FEEL good. It means that we still have things to work on; that we’re not a finished product. But, narcissists don’t WANT to admit they’re still a work in progress. It can be painful to take accountability and own something, and then focus our attention on our OWN growth and development, but narcissists often spend their lives avoiding pain or negative feelings. Many of them struggle with emotional regulation.

Again, since it doesn’t FEEL good to admit fault, the narcissist avoids putting themselves in those situations because they literally don’t know if they can HANDLE it. It’s much easier to turn the tables and say, “YOU provoked me”, or “YOU are overreacting.” Again, if they can get YOU to apologize or take responsibility, then they never have to sit in any kind of guilt or shame.

4) Narcissists actually NEED their audiences and often worry they’ll be left or abandoned. Many narcissists worry that those closest to them will “wise up”, find them out, find someone else, and walk away. Because of the narcissist’s focus on perfection, they often worry that if they apologize one too many times, you’ll discard them because you’ll decide or realize that they’re not all that great. The narcissist can’t have that. They thrive on feeling needed, useful, and even superior to others. So, they work hard to make it seem that they are all-knowing, have all the answers, and can’t do anything wrong. If they can keep you in AWE of them, then you won’t leave. So they think.

If there’s a narcissist in your life, know that you’re not alone.